Can't let go of the fear of hell.

This is a call for help from other religious or former religious lesbians.

I stopped believing in the religion I was born into a few years ago and now identify as agnostic. I grew up in a Muslim country and had never seen same-sex couples in the media. Without access to the internet, I was completely unaware of why I was attracted to girls and not boys. I never dared to ask anyone (thankfully) why I didn't like boys, but somehow, my brain convinced me that these feelings were a punishment from Allah. I feared that one day, I would wake up with a beard on my face, and then everyone would know my little secret—that I liked girls. It sounds ridiculous now, but back then, I had no idea that there were women and girls in the world who liked other girls—and that it was okay.

I share this to provide some context on the beliefs I grew up with. Long story short, I no longer believe in religion, and I have an amazing girlfriend who is non-religious and was raised in an atheist family. I have never loved anyone the way I love her, and I have never felt so deeply understood by anyone.

For the most part, everything is okay—except during the dark moments when I can't help but feel like I’m doing something wrong, that our love is wrong, and that if I die today, I will end up in hell for loving a girl. I try to let go of these thoughts, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s wrong for me to love her. In my teens, I tried to force myself to like men, but it didn’t work. I know that my love for girls(a girl now) is natural—it’s who I am.

It makes me angry when I think that she doesn’t deserve someone like me—someone who is afraid to be with her. I don’t talk about this with her because I fear it might make her doubt my love. But I would never leave her, even if it means I end up in hell for loving her. I just wish I could let go of this fear and stop suffering the way I am now.

To any religious lesbians out there—how do you cope? How do you let go of the fear? How do you convince yourself that you are not going to hell? i mean , i know morally that it shouldnt be wrong to love the same sex , but i still cant let go of the fear. does that make sense?